(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
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I like crazy people until they notice me
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
No way!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn