What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
![]()
You Might Also Like
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
![]()
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.