Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.