What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!