Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing