What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.