What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
next question.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*