Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

put ‘er there pardner!

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.