Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.