Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

🤭😂

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go