What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
This was a bad idea all around
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?