Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.