Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT