What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
#Caturday
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.