@Dani_Feld

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

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@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

@3sunzzz

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

@yonewt

Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.

@ShawnIzadi

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

@ch000ch

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

@simoncholland

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

@_ElvishPresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho