What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job