Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

Saving my good tweets for marriage

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!