Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Day 2 of my diet

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

If my kids invented a drink.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on