Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?