What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You Might Also Like
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Friday
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands