Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Hey I worked for it too!

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.