What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
your daddy is a what now?
My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.