What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
What’s the point buying it then?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Möther may I have a snäck
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty