What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
dads on road-trips be like
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system