Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

How software testing works

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.