Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

barbara was highly relatable

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what