“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Matt Goss
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’ve been lied to my entire life
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Note to self: always read the final line
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing