“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine