“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
You Might Also Like
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’