What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise