What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.