What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
You Might Also Like
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right