What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
You Might Also Like
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
two people or more is called a problem
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.