What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
is nasa ok
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”