What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.