Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

how it started vs how it ended

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

Jupiter

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off