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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.