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LOL
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.