Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

i did the math

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

But is it really??

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

We’ve all been there

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.