Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”