What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
My dress code is business-casualty.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.