Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.