What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
12653.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!