What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head