Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”