– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.