What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.