Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Realize this:

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Proctologist = Analyst

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.