What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys