What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.