What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
#SaturdayBears
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young