What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES