What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
yeah not falling for this one
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet