What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Yes
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Good morning
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Woke up against my better judgement again
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.