What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.