Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands