What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.