What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.