What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company