Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Important reminders

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.