Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

Going into Monday like

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.