Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

#oldknees

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

School be like

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.