What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Bear
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.