What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Finally! 😈
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…