What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Coffee is ready.
the red hot silly peppers
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Drive like no one is watching.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
linkedin the good parts
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.