What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The best plant holders?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Pass gas, not judgment.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.