Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein