Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

181.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?