What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Always the vampires
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
We’ve all been there
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave