What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Spotted in the wild
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Erm…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again