Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Pikachu found the lost joint

peeping toms

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

ready to be harvested

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.