What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
United Steaks of America
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.