What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The government even made aliens boring
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon