What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.