@TheMomAtLaw

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

You Might Also Like

@itsnashflynn

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

@sarcasticmommy4

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

@JaneBadall

I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@BillPelicanBros

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

@crylenol

That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?

“What do I do if a girl comes in”

Err *boss scrambles thru manual*

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.