What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Most fashion shows these days…
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Hotels are back
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
🙋♀️
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts