if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?
“What do I do if a girl comes in”
Err *boss scrambles thru manual*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.