Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

I disagree with my politics

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.